Yeah, About Lazarus…
I’ve had yet another life event that has altered the way I see myself. It’s been seven months and I don’t feel like I’ve made much progress. Formerly, I understood myself to be an emotionally sunny-side up girl. I had a strong sense of what I was doing, where I was headed, and a loose idea of how to get there. Flexibility was coming easier and the need to control nagged at me but at least I could recognize it now. Four years of therapy gave me that. I lived with a bias towards rest and reflection. I was sensitive to the Holy Spirit and what he was doing in and around me. I was writing. I was planting for the future. I had vision and direction. Then, the lights went out and the river ran dry.
One person made one decision and just like that…it was gone. Like a gun shot. Like a power outage. Like a candle. I had assumed that listening to the Spirit and walking closely and carefully would be insurance against loss. This was foolishness. Jesus was the Spirit and still suffered loss. Who taught me that I would have more comfort or less suffering than Jesus?
I love God. It is good for me to be near him. It marks my life. I am a saint. Even in the season of an unexpected loss, I thought there would be more light. That’s not to minimize all the moments where he is bringing comfort and stability…it’s just that at 43yo, I thought I knew most things about myself and how I was with Jesus. This got me thinking about Lazarus.
Lazarus knew and loved Jesus too. Lazarus got sick and called for Jesus. He believed. Jesus didn’t come. Jesus waited for something more than a healing. He was waiting for the resurrection. Resurrection always connected me to salvation, until I started thinking about Lazarus. We are born spiritually dead and the Holy Spirit comes and calls us to be forgiven and made right with God. Lazarus already believed. Lazarus died. What about the times when we already know salvation and our hearts break, our bodies get sick, and our sense of self dies? What does resurrection look like then?
In John 11, the central message is the power and glory of God in the person of Jesus. Right now, I really want to sit with Lazarus and hear what he has to say. The scripture doesn’t tell us. Who was the Lazarus of Bethany and how is he different than resurrected Lazarus? I want to know these things with the hope of understanding this radically disorienting disappointing season.
I’m pretty melancholy these days. I can’t remember the passion and fervor I had for SHS. I saw myself as an intimate member of the Grace Church family and now I’m an outsider. Where can I go without those beautiful women I believed I was called to serve? I died. Living with honesty and integrity didn’t bring resolution or hope.
I’m different now. I work more and seek to avoid rest and reflection. I started running. I ditched the van and got a cute little Accord. I haven’t written. I barely sleep.
I am choosing to believe that by rebuilding Jesus will be show off the goodness that follows him. I, like Lazarus, will wait, bound together by the faithful love of Jesus, until the day he calls me again.
Peace, sweet saints and sisters.